The Greatest Commandment

Tonight at church, we sang the song "The Greatest Commandment". It is a beautiful song!

The first time I heard it, I was going to a church in Brownwood for the first time. Lonnie, Garrett and I had moved there two weeks earlier and lost our unborn son one week earlier. It was a horrible time in my life and I truly felt like God had let me down. At that time in our lives, we had dedicated everything we had to God and we were on top of the world. We had our wonderful son Garrett, for the first time we were pregnant, Lonnie was starting the job he had always wanted and we were living in the same town as my parents. Life could not get any better. But four days after moving there the son we were expecting to bring home from the hospital in one week just suddenly died. I cannot explain the pain.

I got way off base....When I was at church in Brownwood fighting back every tear, the congregation began to sing this song. The song begins like this, "Love one another, for love is of God." I just sat there weeping and could not stop. All I could think "Well, if God is love then why did He let my baby die?" It was a horrible feeling. I heard that song at least a hundred times before we left Brownwood and even began to sing it myself but because I liked the melody not the words.

I allowed myself to lose my faith in God! For years I remained in a pool of depression and blamed God for everything that He allowed to go wrong. I still attended church, I still taught Sunday school, I still sang every Sunday but as a habit not as a worship. I took Garrett to everything at church because I knew it was right but didn't want to let God back into my heart completely. I held up my guard, constantly having those words sung over and over in my head.

One day I discovered that I was pregnant again. I can't explain the feelings but it was happiness with a hint of fear and bitterness. I never allowed myself to become completely attached to the baby. I was fortunate to have a wonderful doctor who did everything right. He made sure that baby arrived healthy and happy. The night Guthri was born was a weird night. She would be 5 weeks early but it was for her safety and mine. I will never forget Lonnie bringing her to me and I looked at her and was disappointed because she was not dark headed and looked nothing like her brother in heaven. Somehow, I was hoping that she would look like Grady and it would make everything right.

The next day as I was looking at her and watching Garrett feed her, I heard those words again. This time not just in my head but in my heart too. Part of me was softening up to God. That whole time I struggled with what I knew was right and what was in my head. My heart was finally taking over. Relief of the bitterness was in sight.

We moved to Childress a few years later and fell in love with our church and church family. To make a long story not so long, my heart softened because of the faith I regained watching my church family. I saw God as love, God as charity, God as service. We are learning to sing "The Greatest Commandment" here in Childress. This time I sang it as WORSHIP! Thanks Nate for bringing this back into my life!