Personality Trait

There is something about myself that I cannot stand. I can alienate someone so fast that their head will spin! Not on purpose, but I just seem to push people away and know I am doing it but just can't stop sometimes. There are people that have been in my life for years yet I feel like I just met them and we have nothing in common. I become so standoffish that most will quit trying to befriend me. I am so negative that they just don't want to listen any longer. Can you blame them?

Why do I do this? Drives me nuts. I sit by myself and just watch, feeling sorry for myself because no one talks to me. Or, think that I don't have as much money as they do so I will just sit here and not draw attention to myself. Well, who's fault is it? MINE!

I have had this issue for years but just seems to be worse the last year or so. I justify myself by thinking "I am sick of trying." I know it is wrong. I know deep down that all the "silliness" in my head is just not true. However, I let it stew in my head for days and even weeks until I have put up some defense of protecting myself (in MY head). Any suggestions of how I can change this? It is a personality trait that I cannot stand! I despise people that always feel sorry for themselves and think that everyone owes them. I despise people that feel like you have to make the first move to form a relationship or a conversation. I despise people that talk only about themselves. Sooooooo....why do I do it too? Drives me nuts!

There are times that I am on top of the world and just push my way way through life with complete confidence. So why the fluctuation in attitude? Who knows....still drives me nuts!

Scrooge?

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I have decorated my house like it was a Christmas store. I have baked bread, made cookies, and made candy, until the house reeked of flour, baking soda, and sugary syrup. I have stayed up till all hours of the night wrapping presents that I have so diligently planned for and purchased early in anticipation of the holiday. I have blown fuses with outdoor Christmas lights. I have sent Christmas cards the Friday after Thanksgiving to people we have not seen in over 20 years and don't even know if they are still alive, but it was the season. I was Christmas to all it is made up to be.

This year? Not so much! I could have cared less if the tree got put up and cared even less what it looked like. Thank goodness Lonnie got it all out and Guthri was in the mood to do it all. Lonnie did help her a little but she did about 90% of it. I felt guilty sitting there watching her but not enough to get me up to help. I cringe when I think of baking or making candy. Can't even make myself buy the stuff to make it. Have only bought ONE present. Not sure when I will get the others bought and have no desire to make the effort. Not sure how I will get it done. Christmas cards will be nonexitance this year. I have not even decorated my classroom and not sure if I will! Poor kids!

What is wrong with me? I know part of it is money and things are so expensive this year. My kids have made a list worth a million bucks and part of me feels guilty for not being able to afford their slightest whim. But, we have had tough times before and I just did the best I could and the kids were as happy as could be.... Part of it is that we have been so busy that the Christmas mood has not been able to "set in". There is no time to enjoy the "magic".... Part of it is the competition between kids on who gets the biggest or the most. It drives me crazy to listen to kids tell what they got for Christmas when I know their families are in line for every hand-out in the state.... Part of it is scheduling families so that everyone is happy and no one feels left out or put out. We travel to Brownwood and Fredericksburg, so it over 800 miles and about $300 in gas and expenses. The kids get restless and seem to fight non-stop all the way there and all they way home. Stressful trip!....Part of it is I am tired! Lonnie has been gone so much the last few months, along with numerous meetings and activities in town. He has been MIA for almost three months. So, begging for more family time is just a sore subject these days.

I have never thought of myself as a scrooge but this year I think I fit the mold pretty well. I am not sure how the holiday season will end out but I hope I get a swift kick in the rear-end and it straightens me out. Try to have a great Christmas despite my SCROOGENESS!!!