A Failed Mother

This weekend our family went shopping for clothes for a special wedding we are attending this next weekend. Guthri had a certain dress in her head and just knew she would look gorgeous in it. We started picking dresses in two or three sizes. Went to the dressing room and NONE of them made her feel gorgeous. She cried and cried. Broke my heart. We went to the next store, same thing, went to the next, same thing. We did this four times. She finally looked at me and said "I am so fat I can never be beautiful" and walked away by herself. Oh my...I just literally sank.

I remember those disappointments as a kid, as a teen, as an adult. I started my weight loss journey almost a year ago and have struggled like crazy since Christmas. I started this journey for myself but more for her. To let her see me lose weight, to let her see me eat healthy and feel satisfied, to let her see me happy with my physical appearance. Once again I have failed my daughter. Instead of being a positive influence on her, I have let her eat whatever, whenever she wants. How could I do that as her mother? How could I let her look at herself as not beautiful?

It is true that over-weight people are seen in a completely different light. Not just lazy, but as out of control, weak, selfish. That is not my daughter! She is so strong-willed that there are times I think she will explode if she doesn't succeed. She has a heart just as big as her will. She will give up her last possession to someone that just voices their desire for it. No matter what.

We did end up finding the "perfect" outfit but it was nothing like she had envisioned two days ago. She is happy for now. It is only temporary if we don't get her weight under control. This is my vow as of right now, I am doing everything humanly possible to help her. The only way I can truly do that is to help myself too!

My Half

Today, Garrett and I drove to White Deer to pick up some pork we had processed. As we were driving through the panhandle landscape he started telling me about his "dream" home. He said it would be on a hill overlooking a cliff with a small stream at the bottom. I told him that was all fine as long as he had room for me. He said I would get half. He would put a wall of windows and and glass doors with a balcony so I could see the view all day. (How sweet, right?) We talked back and forth for awhile but he was insistent Guthri would NOT have a place anywhere in the house. I did some quick sad talk and he finally agreed to let her have a small room at the back of my half! LOL The conversation had sort of come to an end when suddenly Garrett says "don't hold me to that, ok?". I just had to silently laugh. He was serious!