TAKS

As a 3rd grade teacher, I feel like I live and breath TAKS!! Year after year it is the same ole' story and the same ole' routine. I desperately search for ideas to make it more appealing and to give it a true learning experience and I think I am making progress but still same ole' drill and kill toward the end.

Yesterday, 3rd graders took the math portion of the test and today they took the reading portion. The teachers I know despise these days as much as I do. It is complete torture on everyone involved. (which happens to be every employee and every student at our elementary campus) No way around it affects everyone....from the kids taking the test, to the teachers administering it, to the hall monitors, to the classes not testing, to the custodians, to the cafeteria workers. It just engulfs everyone's life for those days.

The part that bothers me the most about the TAKS test is that it goes against all the teacher instincts I have. It is natural for me to look over a student's shoulder as they work. It is natural for me to see a mistake they are making and talk them through the process. It is natural for me to ANSWER a question when a student ask one. It is natural to comfort them when they are struggling. On the TAKS tests I CANNOT DO ANY OF THAT AT ALL! It is just flat-out not allowed.

Today, I had a student literally hitting himself in the head (not hard). I went to ask him if he was ok and he asked me a question about something he should have known. He is a smart kid and he had tears in his eyes. You know what I had to say, "I cannot help you with that. Just do the best you can." GIVE ME A BREAK! He is 9 years old and is completely losing it because for whatever reason he had a lapse of memory at that given moment. I said my little scripted statement and walked away with tears in my eyes! How can I do that to one of my students?

I think about my own children and it makes me sick to my stomach. Garrett does fairly well in school and TAKS has never been anything but a major inconvenience in his life. But what if he was that smart kid with a brain lapse? Guthri is Dyslexic and does ok but she has some hard roads ahead of her and what if she needs just a little reassurance DURING a test and her teacher cannot help her? I just cannot stand it!

It has been a horribly long couple of days and I know by next week it will all just be a bad memory, again. But, it is real and no one is waking up from this nightmare any time soon!

I Love My Kids

Don't know why but today I am just thinking about how much I love my kids and wanted you to know. They are not perfect...they can be rude...they can be mean...they can be disrespectful...they can push every button I have...they can be messy...they can be gross...they can be lazy...they can break things...they can smart mouth with the best...they can fail...they can suffer...they can be hurt. But most of all they can take my heart at any given moment!

Where do you draw the line? Or do you draw it at all?

In today's world, people are exposed to many different personalities and life styles. I have always prided myself in being open minded to others yet conservative and strict in my own beliefs and behavior. Seems these days I am challenged daily to come out of that mind set and see things in a new way. I still can't decide if looking at things differently is the right thing to do.

I want my children to behave and when they don't I want others to help me teach them. I want to help even if it is not my job and expect others to do the same. I want to denounce sin and not associate with others that openly live in it. I want to pay my own way and don't understand those that don't. I want to do the right thing at all times and can't imagine thinking it is ok to not. You see, this is who I am or who I want to be.

So, how do I throw myself into those fires that I know will fry me to death? How do I help those that refuse to help themselves? How do I sit back and watch person after person stand with their hand out and cuss me when I don't put something in it? How do I befriend someone wh has a drinking or drug problem? You see, these are my daily struggles!

I do believe Jesus loves all but I do not believe He accepts all. When He taught, He did not only teach to Christians. He taught all. He gave us all guidelines to live by. He gave us all freedom to choose our destiny. He expects us all to follow Him and live His way. You see, this is my line that I do not know where to draw.

Where do I draw that line of acceptance or tolerance? Only draw the line for those that call themselves Christians? Draw it for everyone? Don't draw it at all? Lord, I pray you help me understand what you want from me. I have many tugs going on in my heart (or maybe my head). Please understand I am not condemning or claiming to be perfect for You know I am not. You have granted me forgiveness when I did not deserve it. You have given me acceptance when I could not accept You. You have tolerated me when a good swift kick would have probably been more beneficial! You did not draw that line. Maybe I just answered my own question but I need guidance and understanding and an open heart. I need Your strength as I struggle through this life!

Passwords

Sometimes life can be so overwhelming!! I feel like my life is cram-packed with "stuff" which leaves me no time to breath. Here lately it seems that I need my computer more and more to do things. I love technology and would not live without it but have you ever noticed that EVERYTHING you do on your computer requires a password??? I mean really....bank account, blog, e-mail, various memberships, debit card, school work, etc....the list could go on forever. Now I understand the necessity but I am lost in a sea of passwords. So not only do I have all of these matters to take care of with technology, I now have to remember EVERY password for EVERY account I may have. I am drowning so fast! Any suggestions on how to keep them organized and still secure? I am serious, it has become so overwhelming the last two weeks that I am completely losing it. None of them are the same because each log in requires its unique criteria for passwords.

Someone help me. I am drowning in mine, yours, ours, and theirs!!!

Just Sitting Here Remembering

Early this morning Lonnie and Garrett drove off to Fort Worth for the stock show. Can't describe the feeling I had as I watched the taillights of the truck disappear into the fog!

Garrett is now 15 (16 is just six short weeks!) and has been to the stock show so many times he knows the grounds by heart. He loves going and it truly is where his complete interest and drive lye. I hugged him this morning and told him and I loved him and sorry I couldn't go. He so sweetly turned and looked at me and said, "it's ok. I understand." Gave me that sweet grin and headed out the door. Just for a split second I saw the little boy that used to climb into my lap and tug on my earrings and say "pwetty". Oh, my heart melted completely to my toes and I had to just lean against the wall to hold myself up.

The day I saw Garrett for the first time, I had that same exact feeling. He stole my heart long before he was born but the day I saw him he melted it right to my toes. He has always had that quality about him that made me just melt. I know most kids do that to their moms but he became part of me the very second I knew about him. His every move became mine, his every want became mine, his every challenge became mine. He became mine!

I miss getting to go with him to the stock shows. It is wonderful to spend time with him while he does what he loves. He has two years left for showing so I am making it a priority right now to commit to going with him next year to them ALL! It may be whirlwind trips but I will be there. I am not going to miss another show and a chance at my heart melting to my toes!

Good Gravies!

Ok, some of you will think "Good gravies, Kim, where have you been?" and some will be like "really?" after I post this.

For years and I mean years I have heard about Pioneer Gravy mix. Even had three pouches in my pantry that Guthri and I picked up at the San Antonio Stock Show (can't resist those freebies!) last year. Well, last night I was baking chicken strips. Yes, they came from the frozen food section at United. Anyway, I also made mashed potatoes and Guthri asked if we could have graby (that is how she says it). I was like, "ummmm......no, I don't have any oil from frying to make it with." Guthri walks away kind of disappointed but no big deal. I just kept thinking about it and remembered the Pioneer Gravy mix I had in the pantry. Pulled out a pouch and read the directions. Wasn't too sure how it would taste because it was made with water!!! Made the stuff in less than 3 minutes and WOW, it was great! Got up this morning to discover no school so immediately went to making sausage, gravy and biscuits. You guessed it, I used the other two pouches of Pioneer Gravy mix and just poured it in with the fried, crumbled sausage. All in 8 minutes! Absolutely the best biscuits and gravy I have eaten in a long time. I liked it so much better than the gravy that I make. Even felt less guilty for eating it because I knew it wasn't made with grease!

Now, I want to make it clear I know I could make gravy with any oil and it does not have to be left over from fried food. But, never taste the same so don't like to do it.

Just wanted to pass on my "new-old" find!

Personality Trait

There is something about myself that I cannot stand. I can alienate someone so fast that their head will spin! Not on purpose, but I just seem to push people away and know I am doing it but just can't stop sometimes. There are people that have been in my life for years yet I feel like I just met them and we have nothing in common. I become so standoffish that most will quit trying to befriend me. I am so negative that they just don't want to listen any longer. Can you blame them?

Why do I do this? Drives me nuts. I sit by myself and just watch, feeling sorry for myself because no one talks to me. Or, think that I don't have as much money as they do so I will just sit here and not draw attention to myself. Well, who's fault is it? MINE!

I have had this issue for years but just seems to be worse the last year or so. I justify myself by thinking "I am sick of trying." I know it is wrong. I know deep down that all the "silliness" in my head is just not true. However, I let it stew in my head for days and even weeks until I have put up some defense of protecting myself (in MY head). Any suggestions of how I can change this? It is a personality trait that I cannot stand! I despise people that always feel sorry for themselves and think that everyone owes them. I despise people that feel like you have to make the first move to form a relationship or a conversation. I despise people that talk only about themselves. Sooooooo....why do I do it too? Drives me nuts!

There are times that I am on top of the world and just push my way way through life with complete confidence. So why the fluctuation in attitude? Who knows....still drives me nuts!