Grady

As I was reading a friends FB status today, I started thinking about our son, Grady.  He would be 15 years old this August.  Some days he seems like a dream.  Other days he seems to be so very real.  Today, I just need to talk about him.  For those of you that don't know the story here it is: 

In July of 1997, Lonnie was offered a job with the Extension Service.  We were living in Dublin on the Lee Campbell Hereford Ranch where Lonnie worked.  We loved the area and was so very happy with our lives, except his working hours.  God had blessed us with our beautiful son, Garrett, and I was pregnant for the first time and due at the end of August-first of September. That pregnancy had come as a complete shock because we had tried so long to have a baby and adopted Garrett in 1994.  So, our family was growing, a new career was coming into play, a new home, a new life.  Even though I seriously did not want to our friends in Stephenville and Dublin, it was what was best for our family and our future.   

We moved to Brownwood August 24 for Lonnie to be the Assistant County Extension Agent.  I had a doctor's appointment in Stephenville on Wednesday, August 27. Everything was fine.  Went home and by the next day I knew something wasn't right.  I called the doctor Friday morning August 29 and they said to come back to Stephenville.  Lonnie went on to work and my mom drove me over.  Straight from the doctor's office to the hospital we went.  I loved my doctor and he looked me in the eye with tears in his and told me that Grady was gone.  No reason.  I think back now and realize I was in shock because I didn't respond.  I just sat there.  Poor little Garrett was so confused and had been handed off to dear friends.  My mom was holding strong and the hard part was waiting on Lonnie.  The doctor waited on him at the hospital and told him before he came into the room.  The next few days were the worst of my life.  I delivered my son and buried him all within 24 hours. 

I think one of the hardest parts is that it is as if he never existed.  We didn't get a birth certificate, we didn't even get a death certificate.  According to laws and records, he never existed.  It is still hard on me to think that because he did not breathe a breath of air, he did not exist. I was 6 days from my due date but he didn't exist?  Not sure how to deal with that but he did exist and still does very dearly in my heart. 

As I look at taking Garrett to college and saying goodbye to him, I am just lost without my boys.  I know I will adjust and look forward to having time with Guthri but it is just hard on this mom.