We just have more options...

Lately I have been beating myself up over money woes! Seems like every time I turn around we need $100 here, $200 there. Just seemed to overwhelming. I have been researching internet, satellite, phone & cell phone service and was just about to explode with anxiety over the whole mess. We spend over $375/month for these services and it is just too much. I worry about things like this all the time even though I know it does no good. Last weekend as I was making ANOTHER list of options I was thinking "How did my parents do it? My mom didn't work full time and my dad's job was just average so how did they afford cars, clothes, horses, cattle?" Just made me feel like I was so irresponsible because I couldn't offer my kids the same opportunities I had.

Today I visited the Verizon store to see what other options we had and found out we qualify for a discount so felt better there. But as I was looking at new phones it became overwhelming again. My head was swimming! Good grief...if we all get the phone we want (the kids are just getting plain phones) it is going to be around $800 to walk out the door!!!!!!!! My gosh! So again I start the whole "how did my parents do it?'

Then I come home and both my kids are on their iPods ($450) while Garrett is watching his TV ($400), Guthri is watching our TV ($800) while sitting next to her DSi ($240), I am on my computer ($1250), all while Garrett and I are talking on our old cell phones ($350). So, I think back to my parents. They had one TV in the living room. There weren't any iPods, cell phones, computers or video games. So even if that TV in the living room was the most expensive one on the market it still would not add up to all the "stuff" we have and that is not counting the provider fees we pay each month.

So I came to the realization that it isn't that we are any worse off financially we just have more options. So instead of horses and show cattle my kids have iPods, DSis, TVs, cell phones, and computers. Not sure if that is a good thing or if I am willing to do anything about it so for now will be satisfied with the realization that we just have more options!

Oh my!

"The greedy man curses and spurns the Lord" (Psalm 10:3-4)

Wow has that been so true the last few days. Won't give lots of details but lately I have seen greed in others that I just have to stand with my mouth open. Not sure where anyone gets the mentality that their needs (well, not even needs, more like desires) are any more important than anyone else. Literally had a woman say, "Well, if that kid doesn't have the money then they don't eat." Seriously?????? Uuuummmmm....I've paid for several "wealthy" kids meals before because the PARENTS didn't take care of business and send them any money. Her kid included! I just have to pray. I don't know what else to do. Tried explaining and it did NO good. Tried arguing and made it worse. Tried being "fair and equal" but wasn't good enough. Thank God my husband can handle those situations much better than I can. He just smiles and does what is right. My eyes have been opened wide lately on what is wrong with this world! Not pretty at all!

A Failed Mother

This weekend our family went shopping for clothes for a special wedding we are attending this next weekend. Guthri had a certain dress in her head and just knew she would look gorgeous in it. We started picking dresses in two or three sizes. Went to the dressing room and NONE of them made her feel gorgeous. She cried and cried. Broke my heart. We went to the next store, same thing, went to the next, same thing. We did this four times. She finally looked at me and said "I am so fat I can never be beautiful" and walked away by herself. Oh my...I just literally sank.

I remember those disappointments as a kid, as a teen, as an adult. I started my weight loss journey almost a year ago and have struggled like crazy since Christmas. I started this journey for myself but more for her. To let her see me lose weight, to let her see me eat healthy and feel satisfied, to let her see me happy with my physical appearance. Once again I have failed my daughter. Instead of being a positive influence on her, I have let her eat whatever, whenever she wants. How could I do that as her mother? How could I let her look at herself as not beautiful?

It is true that over-weight people are seen in a completely different light. Not just lazy, but as out of control, weak, selfish. That is not my daughter! She is so strong-willed that there are times I think she will explode if she doesn't succeed. She has a heart just as big as her will. She will give up her last possession to someone that just voices their desire for it. No matter what.

We did end up finding the "perfect" outfit but it was nothing like she had envisioned two days ago. She is happy for now. It is only temporary if we don't get her weight under control. This is my vow as of right now, I am doing everything humanly possible to help her. The only way I can truly do that is to help myself too!

My Half

Today, Garrett and I drove to White Deer to pick up some pork we had processed. As we were driving through the panhandle landscape he started telling me about his "dream" home. He said it would be on a hill overlooking a cliff with a small stream at the bottom. I told him that was all fine as long as he had room for me. He said I would get half. He would put a wall of windows and and glass doors with a balcony so I could see the view all day. (How sweet, right?) We talked back and forth for awhile but he was insistent Guthri would NOT have a place anywhere in the house. I did some quick sad talk and he finally agreed to let her have a small room at the back of my half! LOL The conversation had sort of come to an end when suddenly Garrett says "don't hold me to that, ok?". I just had to silently laugh. He was serious!

Matters of the Heart

You know, there are so many things going through my mind right now but will refrain from "letting them all out"! There are times in a parents life that you feel helpless, heartbroken, or even down right angry. When it involves your child and their own faults or mistakes you work through it together. You become a stronger parent. BUT, when it involves others who find it necessary to pull and tug on your child's heart or emotions then this mom may just come out fighting. You better just hold on! There is no way I would turn back the clock and become a preteen or teen again for any amount of money. Ggggrrrrrrr! There....I feel better!

Good Morning

It's Saturday morning and I was awakened at 7:00 a.m. by a 9 year old little girl that announces, "Good morning! I'm going to make a surprise for you!" Then leaves the bedroom. Hmmmmm......was my thought but drifted back to sleep. About 5 minutes later, I hear pans clanking in the kitchen. I thought I was dreaming so drifted some more. But very shortly I realize she is in the kitchen COOKING! I hopped out of bed to find a smoking pan, eggs dripping down the cabinet and all over the counter and egg shell in 'the bowl'. All I could think was "come on, it's Saturday and I want to sleep!" She just looks up at me with those innocent eyes and says "I wanted to surprise you and make breakfast for ME." How was I to get mad? Needless to say I cooked her scrambled eggs with ham and cheese, cleaned up the mess and made jello that she requested for later when she wanted a snack. But in the end I was still thinking "come on, it's Saturday and I want to sleep!" :(

Awwwwww....Peace & Quiet

I am sitting in "my chair" with no sound except the ceiling fan in Garrett's room and the heater. How heavenly is this? I had taken today off to see Dr. Green about my mysterious pains and had moved an afternoon hair appointment to the morning. Because of my little episode last week the afternoon Dr. appointment is no longer necessary but the morning hair appointment is quite essential! So, kept my "day off" and I get to enjoy about an hour of peace & quiet. Do you ever get to the point that you just need quiet? I do!!!!! It just puts peace in my soul...no phone....no kids...no TV...just me and my thoughts. I know some day I will miss all the hustle and bustle, the fighting, the complaining, the noise, but for now I am going to soak absolutely nothing in. Have a great day!